What went down at Grindr’s Pleasure Ball

The tone was set the moment I peeped Kelly Cutrone. A throwback, for sure, to witness the legendary publicist working the line at Grindr’s Pleasure Ball, but then Cutrone had always been a forward-thinker with old-school instincts. I took those cues: noting the sighting on my Close Friends story while also texting a handful of people, “GIRL, Kelly Cutrone is here?!”

For their third annual Halloween party, the notorious gay — ahem — dating app leveled up, partnering with Back Market on a spaced-out megaparty at Musica on Manhattan’s far West Side. Many of its attendants certainly felt the intended déjà vu walking into the multilevel venue where many an oontz-oontz party is held, only now it’s been glammed up to look like Area 51 if it were overrun by gays on a mission to Uranus. The evening’s “Future Lovers” theme encouraged futuristic attire, with guests conjuring up aliens and cyborgs out of repurposed older tech like CDs. Utilizing old tech for a new purpose? That’s the future that Back Market has always believed in.

The energizing whiplash continued as I walked past the “Oops! I Did It Again” music video-level step and repeat and reached for one of the featured cocktails being handed out by a handsome server. This one had dry ice fog misting appealingly upward. “It’s called Blast Off,” he told me. “Malibu rum punch!” I downed the first of probably twelve.

I wondered if the lithe go-go dancers snapping pictures of themselves on Back Market’s refurbished cameras had ever even heard of Malibu, or if it was all BuzzBallz these days? With this collision of futuristic fantasy and retro tech, I made my assignment to ask guests about their earliest Grindr experiences; bonus points if they could remember the first devices they downloaded the app on. But would you believe these gays refused to date themselves?

Their outfits more than made up for it, though. A trio of Bene Gesserit were wildly shaking their habits to DJ Tommy Hart’s set, with enough Lola Bunnies and sleeveless NASA spacemen to repopulate a small planet. A couple of guests with Daft Punk helmets seemed ready to take over aux duties, but influencer Griffin Maxwell Brooks had already arrived. I made my way to a backroom — hey now! — where a giant “HOLOFAN” tube displayed the results of a naughty little game, available on nearby tablets, which allowed guests to dream up their ideal (well-endowed) hunks.

In a trade-tastic referee shirt and durag, ballroom staple Dashaun Wesley took the mic to announce the start of the costume contest. Did these gays — especially the younger Gen Z ones — know the honor they’d just been bestowed, to be judged by Christian Siriano, Susanne Bartsch, Cutrone and Grindr CMO Tristan Pineiro?

My friend Stuart did; he’s old — here meaning above 29. Ever the upstart, he realized the gathering crowd near the stage had left an empty bar line and quickly took my order (I’d now moved on to the Rocket Fuel espresso martinis) before making his move.

Would you believe Wesley, a star on Legendary and Pose, was a perfect MC? He called out some of the city’s nightlife icons in attendance, like Dominique Jackson and Joey Arias, and suffered no fools, calling out a (ripped) finalist: “He’s literally just naked.” Near the lip of the stage was a woman in a “Toxic” flight attendant get-up, who Wesley referred to as Judy Jetson. She must’ve yelled something back because the next thing I hear is, “I know it’s Britney, bitch, I can say anything I want!”

The top three came out to Lady Gaga’s early deep cut “Starstruck,” a choice which hopefully resonated with guest Anna Delvey, who’d shown up covered in a revealing caution tape outfit from the pop star’s “Telephone” video. Do you think she got to take off her ankle monitor for the event? Theo Koutros, dazzling in full-body Na’vi-blue glitter and a sparkly silver suit, was the winner, taking home a trophy nearly his height, and scoring a $250 Back Market . All too familiar with what glitter does to an unwitting pillowcase (or my phone’s charge ports), I avoided the champ at all costs. (Psst. If you, like me, are worried about getting glitter out of your phone’s crevices, Back Market has a fix).

As culturati debated whether La bola negra or You Can See Everything should win the Oscar later this season, a quieter guest sat in the fuzzy-rugged chillout section behind the bar, playing what seemed to be v1 of Candy Crush on a brand new iPhone, driving home what Back Market’s fans already know: you don’t need the new for what you already do. I decided the visual alone gave me more than words could ever match.

Having explored the rooftop garden — where Back Market content creator Noah Avidan was capturing attendees’ party revelations on an older phone mounted to a sleek selfie stick — and the bathroom, where girlies were positioning their faces between the mirrors’ “PROBE ME” and “MOON ME” stickers — I found a prime viewing spot for Meg Stalter’s performance.

“The person that’s dressed as David Bowie keeps talking during my set,” yelled the comedian, who joked she wouldn’t go on if phones were too close to her. “It’s so hard to perform when people won’t stop talking!” But the show went on, with the “Prettiest Girl in America” singer running through a selection of her glitch-pop songs, ending with “Famous Me.”

As I astroglided my way out of the venue, I ran into my friend Drew, who’d previously blanked at my question of his earliest Grindr experience. Turns out the light-up sneakers (is there anything more future-retro?) that completed his astronaut costume had developed a fab new capability as the party inched toward its wee-hours finale: “Turns out light-up shoes are helpful if anyone drops a glass.” And for those who dropped their phones trying to film Meg Stalter, well, Back Market has a replacement for you.

*all images shot on a refurbished iPod Touch